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(just to be clear, my house is up in the hills and very hard to find if you’ve never been there before)

Pizza Delivery Guy - “You’re harder to find than Saddam Hussein.”

Steve Agee - “Don’t you mean Osama Bin Laden?”

PDG - “Huh?”

SA - “Well, we found Hussein and we still can’t find Bin Laden.  So he’s harder to find.”

PDG - “Yeah, but I found you.  I’m not still looking for you.”

SA - “Oh.  You’re right.”

PDG - “Look, I was just trying to say that your house is hard to find.”

SA -  (handing him his money)  ”Keep the change.”

I bet it would suck if you were a registered sex offender and then some kid in your neighborhood turned up missing. Everyone would think it was you.



”Hey Max, do you know anything about that missing 8 year old?”


“No. Why do you ask?”


”Because you’re a registered sex offender and you live next door.”


”Hmm, I can see how you would think that, but I swear I didn’t do it.”


”Where were you last night between 8 and 9pm?”


”I was at home, watching Smallville.”


”Hmm. OK, well don’t leave town, you might be hearing back from us soon.”


“OK. Good luck with your search.”

I bet if I were drinking and driving and a cop pulled me over and asked, “Are you drunk, sir?” and I said, “Yes…..drunk with power!”  we would both laugh so hard that he’d let me go.

“Hey Steve?”

“Yes?”

“I want you to strap this bomb to your chest and walk inside that bank and detonate it.”

“Um, I believe that would kill me.”

“Well, yes, but it would also kill 100 other people.”

“Can’t you get Mike to do it?”

“Mike is going to get me some coffee.”

“Well, why can’t I get your coffee and Mike do the bank bombing?”

“What are you saying, Steve?  That you’re afraid to die?”

“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying!”

I honestly just read that in an online article, so you know it’s true.  Fuck you AIDS!  Me and my circumcised dick are totally gonna get laid now!

I was just at the store and decided I wanted a new hat, because the one I have is pretty old.  So I see a hat that I think looks really cool, and the tag says “one size fits all.”  So I go to try the hat on and it doesn’t fit.  WTF?!?!  My head is too fucking fat to fit in a “one size fits all” hat!  I started to cry and then punched a baby in the face.  Now I’m back home with my old hat and my fat head.

Somewhere in a hat factory –



”Hey Kyle, these hats are ready to be shipped out, I just need to put the sizes on them.”

(holding up a large hat)

“What size do you think this is?”



“I don’t know, Frank. See if it fits over that giant beach ball over there.”



“Yep, it sure does…with room to spare.”



“Well then just put ONE SIZE FITS ALL on the tag, because nobody has a head that’s bigger than a giant beach ball, right?”

If you see me talking on my cell phone out in public there’s a good chance that I’m not talking to anyone at all.  I’d just rather pretend to talk to someone than talk to YOU. That’s how boring you are. That’s how much I don’t like you. Chances are other people don’t like you also.



Here’s one of my default fake phone conversations:

  ”Hey what’s up? 
Nothing much.
  What are you doing?  
Oh really?   Sounds cool.
  Yeah, maybe.  
I can’t do it ’til after four though.
  Ok.”

  

Sometimes I’ll actually have a fake conversation about the person I’m avoiding.  Those fake calls usually go something like this:   

”Hey, what’s up?  
Oh nothing much. I’m just standing here pretending to talk to you so I don’t have to talk to this moron across the room.  
I’m not sure, but you should see the way he/she’s dressed.  I actually hate them based on what they’re wearing.  Can you believe that?
  Yeah, I have no idea who they are but I know that I don’t want to talk to them.  
I wish murder wasn’t against the law. I would probably kill this person.  
Ok, they left, I’m gonna hang up now. Call me later, for real.”

  

Is something wrong with me for doing this?  ’Cause I do it a LOT!

I don’t think I’ve ever had a really slutty girl as a friend. I don’t think I’ve even met a really slutty girl. Probably because they’re always off having sex somewhere with musicians. Way to go, sluts.

I wouldn’t make a good POW.  The second one of my captors  punched me in the face and ordered me to tell them everything I knew I would start to sing like a canary.  I wouldn’t even let them get to the electric shock methods.  I’d even make some shit up if I thought it would make them happy.  I would draw detailed maps of all our locations and bases, I’d give them phone numbers and email addresses too.  Please, just keep the fucking jumper cables away from my nuts.

I just heard a guy at Starbucks talking on his cell phone.  All I heard was, “I just feel so blessed….”

Guess what, gimp?  You’re not blessed.  If you were blessed then I wouldn’t be writing a blog about how much of a douche bag you are.  Think about it.